Today was not a great day. Mac was evil all morning and I woke up with a lot pain and very little patience. Work was awful, I got home really late and finally had a moment to relax around 10 o’clock. Relaxing, for me, means catching up on twitter, facebook and reading my favorite blogs while eating popsicles before dragging myself up the stairs to bed (so glamorous, I know). Tonight, while relaxing, I caught a thread on twitter from Ez @creaturecomfort which led me to this post about sharing more real-life (or less filtered) content on our blogs and how our envy of the pretty little vignettes of life we see on blogs, and the like, can eat away at us… causing feelings of being “less than”. I’m summarizing, of course. I read Ez’s whole post (wicked long – but worth it) and then went on to read many other posts on the same topic from other blog authors. It was very interesting and comforting, and encouraging to read some of the real details of peoples lives. The not so pretty things that make us all real and perfectly imperfect humans.

1. I have been feeling irrelevant for about a month or so. I am concerned it has something to do with reading blogs by people who I “used to” relate to but somehow their “new book”, “new husband”, “new baby” news has left me feeling less than. And also, feeling a bit “left behind” somehow.
2. I classify myself as an underachiever.
3. I hate my smile. It’s BIG and crooked and hardly ever smile in pictures because of it.
4. I live paycheck to paycheck even though I’ve had the same job for 11 years, a college degree and lived in the same townhouse for 7 years. I just opened my first savings account. It currently has $11 in it.
5. I literally ate a whole can of frosting in the course of two nights (really, really). I’m not a stress eater but I think the aforementioned “irrelevant” feelings are starting to change that.
6. I use big words like “aforementioned” sometimes in blog posts to offset my whole underachiever thing.
7. I am really crappy at relationships, I have HUGE trust issues that prevent me from letting anybody get too close.
8. I have chronic inflammation (since I was 20) and it affects my hips and spine. I am in pain most of the time (allergic to most pain medication) and it prevents me from wanting to meet new people, since they will eventually see me in pain and that makes me vulnerable. I also hate pity, so I (try) to avoid this topic when people say I “look tired” or ask if I’ve hurt myself.
9. I am SUPER clumsy. I am the one that trips up the stairs, breaks my own bones, faints in the street or tells a story at the bar with grand hand gestures that knock a beer into the air and showers my best friend with Michelob Light.
   
10. I used to think I knew how my life was going to be, but after my divorce I stopped making plans… or wanting things like a family… because I am afraid of it being taken from me… again. I know this is bad.

That’s a lot of stuff… there’s more of course but… no need to spill all the ugly beans at once, right?